Category Archives: Books

Acceptance

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I actually wrote yesterday’s post before I read What It Looks Like by Marta Maranda. In that book, I read a few lines Maranda wrote about acceptance which much better express what I was getting at when I wrote

I get accepting oneself as one is. I get forgiving oneself for what one has done in the past. But releasing ALL concepts that one should be ANYTHING but what one is? That seems like a little much.

This is what Maranda says about acceptance:

…acceptance is not an opportunity to be dismissive. It does not mean you escape responsibility for your actions. And it is not a justification for future inaction, or a way to disregard the lesson that must be learned. (p. 334)

So, yes, we should accept ourselves and each other as we are, but that doesn’t mean we should quit trying to be better people.

I accept that I’ve made mistakes in the past and realize I can’t change what I’ve already done. However, I can change what I do in the future. It’s not enough simply to hope I don’t make the same mistakes again. I’m gonna have to work at it.

Today is Book Lover’s Day

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Pile of Books in Shallow Focus Photography Since today is Book Lover’s Day, I thought I would share some of my favorite books with you.

The first book on my list is Me Talk Pretty One Day by the fabulous David Sedaris. This book made me laugh out loud. It made my laugh hysterically. It made me laugh until I cried.

I especially like the essay in which David’s French class is discussing Easter. (The name of this essay is “Jesus Shaves.”) I won’t spoil it for you (and my explanation can’t do it justice), but you MUST read it for yourself. [amazon template=image&asin=0316776963]

The next book is RE/Search #11: Pranks by V.  Vale. (According to Wikipedia, “RE/Search Publications is an American magazine and book publisher, based in San Francisco, founded by its editors Andrea Juno and V. Vale in 1980.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RE/Search) This book is exquisite!

It’s a series of interviews with folks who have pulled colossal pranks. Some of these folks have been pulling pranks their whole lives. The pranks are really clever (not slapstick) and often make people question their assumptions and the things they take for granted about the world we live in. I think this book is all about making people think and question and feel.

My one critique of this book is that hardly any women are represented. Do women not pull pranks, are they difficult to find, or did the author of this book just not try hard enough?

[amazon template=image&asin=0060936045]The next book is a memoir, Sleeping with Cats by Marge Piercy. This book is so fantastic!

I love so much about Marge Piercy. I love the way she decided to remain childless because she knew she couldn’t sacrifice her writing and her time to be a good mother. I love the way that she knows she can be a difficult person. I love the way she is a true, strong feminist who wants equality for women, equality for people. I love the way she understands poverty, having grown up in it. I love that she gardens, grows food, barters her produce for food she cannot grow. I love that she uses the word “zine” throughout her book. I love her strength, her determination, her fortitude. I love that she loves cats, sex, and travel. I wish I could be her friend.

This book is the story of Piercy’s life, everything that’s happened to her woven around the core of the cats she has known and loved. She writes about her husbands too, her books, her friends, but at the center are her cats.

Piercy ends each chapter with one of her poems. My favorite is “The Weight” which concludes chapter seventeen.

This book is substantial. The writing is solid, engaging, challenging, but not difficult. I read with my new dictionary at my side, looking up the dozen or so words I didn’t know.

I think this is my new favorite book. I think I need to write Marge Piercy a fan letter.

Another favorite book is also autobiographical, A Working Stiff’s Manifesto: A Memoir of Thirty Jobs I Quit, Nine That Fired Me, and Three I Can’t Remember by Iain Levison. I laughed until I cried reading this book. It is excellent, excellent, excellent.

The author chronicles many of the shit jobs he’s had since graduating from college. That’s right, he graduated from college, and he’s still reduces to working shit jobs. Any of us could find ourselves in his situation.

Another book dealing with labor issues is Sabotage in the American Workplace: Anecdotes of Dissatisfaction, Mischief, and Revenge by Martin Sprouse. This book is SO GOOD! I have read it twice and gotten a huge kick out of it both times.

It’s all about how people purposely messed things up at their jobs, mostly because they had been mistreated or had seen a wrong perpetrated against a fellow worker. These clever true stories are told in first-person accounts by the people who did the deeds. [amazon template=image&asin=0547480008]

The first novel on today’s list is The Temple of My Familiar by Alice Walker. I love the way this book validates all kinds of different relationships and doesn’t hold romantic/sexual love above all other kinds relationships. I buy used copies whenever I find them cheap so I can pass it out to people I like. It is a fantastic book and highly recommended.

The final book for today is Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings, and the Marriage Mystique by [amazon template=image&asin=1568581939]. This book is awesome!

The author breaks down the institution of marriage and shows it for the oppressive institution it is. She does so by taking to task the wedding industry, critiquing every thing from buying the dress to getting the reception catered.

I don’t even know how to say how fantastic and important this book is. Please read it.

I hope these mini-book reviews inspire you to read a book today. I hope you enjoy whatever you read today as much as I enjoyed these books.

The first image in this post courtesy of https://www.pexels.com/photo/pile-of-books-in-shallow-focus-photography-264635/. The other images are Amazon advertising links. If you click on any of those links, I will get a small advertising fee from anything you put in your cart and buy during your shopping session.

Coming Back

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[amazon template=image&asin=0985781408]Of everything I read in Marta Maranda’s book What It Looks Like (of which I’ve written before), the concept that gave me the most hope was that of “coming back.”

Maranda introduces the concept first in terms of her meditation practice. She writes of times during meditation when she “simply cannot quiet [her] mind.” She recounts asking the facilitator at a group meditation session “how many minutes out of his daily sitting was he where he wanted to be.” His answer was not one of minutes.

He said there are times–after work, the kids, bills to pay, and chores to do–when just making it to his cushion at the end of the night was the strongest part of his practice. He explained that it is the “coming back” that defines any process. It is coming back to your cushion to meditate when you would rather sit on the sofa and watch television. It is coming back to breath number one after a thought or feeling, once again, interrupted you before you had reached breath number ten. It is coming back to being an observer after you attached too long to a thought or feeling you should have let pass. (p. 338)

The next words written by Maranda are the ones that really hit me.

And it is coming back to your commitment to living an honorable, compassionate, and forgiving life after you reacted to something or someone in a dishonorable, angry, or vengeful way. Every errant step gives us another chance to come back to love, healing, and truth. (p.338)

Maranda writes more about the idea of “coming back” and how that idea relates to enlightenment.

Ironically, the concept of “coming back” is essential to enlightenment. Most imagine enlightenment to be the ultimate goal. One that, once achieved, transforms a human being into a perfected one free of all anger, fear, pain, ego, judgment, and difficulties, who lives his life in complete surrender, and radiates pure love and truth…However in his book After the Ecstasy, the Laundry, Jack Kornfield explains, “There is no such thing as enlightened retirement.” (p. 338-339)

Maranda goes on to quote Jack Kornfield:

Enlightenment does exist. It is possible to awaken. Unbounded freedom and joy, oneness with the Divine, awakening into a state of timeless grace–these experiences are more common than you know, and not far away. There is one further truth, however: They don’t last. Our realizations and awakenings show us the reality of the world, and bring transformation, but they pass… (p. 339)

Maranda wraps up her thoughts on “coming back” by writing

With awareness comes the realization that there are times of deep compassion, great wisdom, boundless joy, and ultimate freedom that coexist with times of fear, pain, struggle, and brokenness. By refusing to acknowledge and address the shadow that accompanies life, we never receive the gift it yearns to give us. The physical world, with all its pain and problems, is not here to thwart our enlightenment, but to strengthen it. With every satori, or enlightenment experience, we come back and hone what we’ve learned against the challenges in our lives and in the world: we come back to show others what love, healing, and truth look like in a world of anger, pain, and dysfunction. (p. 340)

This idea of “coming back” has really encouraged me, given me hope. I’ve often thought that if I’m not always a 100% perfect person, then I’m not a good person. When I get to a place of serenity, I can maintain it for a while, but I tend to slide back into gossip; petty, snarky thoughts and comments; irritation with friends and strangers,; general grumpiness; lack of gratitude; and jumping to ugly little conclusions about people. I thought all these negative ways of reacting to people meant I was a bad person with a negative attitude, but maybe these negative reactions mean I’m just a human person trying to live in this really fucked-up society that we call home.

I think the answer is NOT to think, Oh well, I’m human. We live in a fucked up world. I am what I am. Can’t change now. I think the answer is in this idea of coming back. Maybe the better thought process is I didn’t handle that situation the way I wanted to. What can I do better next time I find myself in a similar situation? How do I make amends for what I did?

The idea of coming back means my life is not an all or nothing proposition. It means I don’t have to see myself as a bad person just because I didn’t act or react the way I wanted too. I can still see myself as a good person, even after a failure, as long as I come back to the thoughts and behaviors that define the person I want to be. [amazon template=image&asin=0553378295]

Book Review: H.R.H.

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[amazon template=image&asin=0440242045]I thought I would entertain you today with a book review I wrote in November 2011. The book being reviewed is H.R.H. by Danielle Steel.     

Oh boy. This book was bad.

I picked it up from the top of a trash can in a bus station. I was in a desperate situation. I had almost 24 hours more on the bus and nothing left to read. I didn’t have high hopes for this book, but I really, really, really needed something to help me pass the time. I’m not a big Danielle Steel fan, but I had to read something, so I was glad to find a free book.

The plot is weak. A sad, noble, unspoiled little rich girl princess (literally) can’t have the life of freedom she wants, but is allowed to volunteer in Africa with the Red Cross for a few months. In Africa, she meets a commoner she is not allowed to marry. In the last twenty (or less) pages of the book, tragedy strikes, allowing her to live happily ever after.

The writing is weak too. Ms. Steel must have been getting paid by the word, because there is a lot of repetition, many examples of the reader getting the same information in an only slightly different way.

May I give examples of two of the worst sentences I have ever read?

“The drinks were made by an African company, and tasted sickly sweet, but they drank them anyway, as it was hot and they were thirsty, although it was winter in East Africa, but the weather was warm.” I figure that sentence really consists of three sentences strung together with commas. Has this Steel woman never heard of a run-on sentence? Any of my high school English teachers would have failed a student for writing a sentence like that! The last clause, “although it was winter in East Africa, but the weather was warm” is so awkward that I cringe whenever I read it.

Here’s my second example: “Or how hard they worked, they all did, and he had, too.” All I can say to that sentence (?) is WOW.

I am amazed that someone actually paid money for this mindless piece of poorly written fluff. I’m grateful I found this book when I needed it, but I feel sorry for the person wasted her/his money on it

Review of a Book You’ve Maybe Never Heard Of: I’m Not the New Me

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[amazon template=image&asin=1594480745]I thought that today I would share a review of a book I got through BookMooch several years ago. I think the book was already kind of old when I wrote this review in February of 2012. However, I like the review, so there you go.

The book in question is I’m Not the New Me, by Wendy McClure.

 

This is a book about writing a blog. It doesn’t contain the writing that makes up the blog. It’s just about the process of writing the blog. Well, that’s not quite right. It’s about more than just the process of writing a blog.

It’s about body image and self esteem and what it means if a woman’s fat and she decides she wants to lose some weight. It’s about deciding how much weight to lose. How much weight is enough?

It’s about dating. It’s about meeting a guy and getting dumped before you can dump him and being sad because he dumped you first, even though, really, it’s for the best. It’s about going on dates with loser loser loser, then meeting the best guy ever only to end up heartbroken again.

It’s about friendship and being an inspiration to people never met in person.

It’s about being funny and charming and smart, but having people just see fat. And it’s about saying “Fuck You!” to people who only see fat.

Wendy McClure is funny. Think Sarah Vowell, but with more cursing and less patriotism. There were times I had to quit reading because I was eating and was about to laugh and snarf my breakfast all over the table.

The book ends without any big revelation, so don’t come here looking for the Answers. Wendy doesn’t have your Answers. Maybe she has a couple of her own, but she leaves you fully in charge of figuring your life out for yourself.

Unconditional Love

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[amazon template=image&asin=0985781408]I finished reading What It Looks Like by Marta Maranda in April, and have shared some of her ideas that I found helpful. Today, I am sharing some of her thoughts on unconditional love.

But the chance is far greater that you’ll find someone who will insist that you “take me as I am,” rather than “take me as I am right now…”

More often than not, when one speaks of unconditional love it has nothing to do with how he feels about you, but how he wants you to feel about him and the dysfunctions he has no desire to heal. However, unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance. While you can feel compassion for one’s trauma and pain, you cannot accept dysfunctional ways of suppressing or managing them. If you do, you are not loving unconditionally. You are enabling.

Unconditional love also includes unconditionally loving oneself. It means I will no longer consciously expose myself to or remain in the presence of dysfunctional speech and behavior…

Love is unconditional, but a relationship is reciprocal.

I especially appreciate Maranda’s distinction between unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. Has no one ever pointed that out to me before? Was I just not paying attention? (I think this distinction was probably what my mother was trying to get at when she would say, “I always love your father, but I don’t always like your father.”)

So what I need to learn how to say (or at least think, as I remove myself from a situation) is, “I love you no matter what, but I’m not going to accept your no-good behavior.”

I also appreciate the distinction between “take me as I am,” and “take me as I am right now.” I see it as a difference between thinking “I’m fucked up and there’s nothing I can do about it” and “I’m fucked up, but I’m working on getting better.” Seems like many people I meet have just accepted that they are emotionally and mentally a hot mess. I honestly want to be a better person than I currently am. That’s going to take work.

BookMooch

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BookMooch is a gift economy website that helps people give and receive books. I’ve been a member since 2007.

Here’s how BookMooch works:

I set up an inventory of books I want to give away. Most books are already in the BookMooch database and are easy to add to the inventory. I earn 1/10 of a point for each book I add. I can take a book out of my inventory at any time, for any reason, but when I do, 1/10 of a point is deducted from my point total.

BookMooch members can see my inventory. If any member wants a book in my inventory, s/he can mooch it from me. I’m sent an email notice that someone wants one of my books. I respond to that notice by accepting or rejecting the request. It’s in my best interest to accept the request because I get a point each time I accept a request. (I only send books within the United States, so I get one point per book. Books sent internationally earn 3 points.) I then send the book to the person who asked for it. I pay postage for books I send.

Once I acquire points, I can choose books that I want to mooch from the inventories of other members. When I ask for a book, BookMooch sends a message to the book owner asking if s/he is willing to send it. The sender pays the postage on books sent to me. I use one point for each book I mooch within the United States. I never mooch books from folks in other countries, but I could if I wanted to. Books mooched internationally cost 3 points.

Folks have to send out one book for every two received. If a member doesn’t keep up the 2:1 ration of received to sent, s/he is not allowed to mooch any more books (even if s/he still has points) until s/he improves that ratio.

In seven years, I’ve given away 282 books and received 192 books.

The condition of listed books varies widely. Members can add condition notes when they list their books. I try to describe my books accurately, although a couple of times I’ve been in a hurry and left out information and the receiver of the book has complained. Some people are looking for a specific edition of a book or specifically want hardcover. Also, people with allergies might not want books that have been in the same room as cigarette smoke or pet fur. I just want to read whatever book I am mooching, so I’m not usually picky about the condition of the books I receive.

Some books listed are old and seemingly unpopular, but I have found many relevant books to read on BookMooch. This is not a website where people are just trying to get rid of their junk.

Go here: http://bookmooch.com/ to learn more about and/or sign up for BookMooch.

Non-attachment

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[amazon template=image&asin=0985781408]I’d never really understood the idea of non-attachment. Of course, I’d not done any research on non-attachment or asked questions of someone who would know. I just assumed I knew what it meant and assumed I would never be capable.

While I was reading What It Looks Like by Marta Maranda, I came upon a few paragraphs about non-attachment that cleared my confusion.

Here’s what the author said,

…non-attachment doesn’t mean we should never have people or things in our lives. It is the “exaggerated seeking and clinging” that creates suffering. Most of our mental and physical energy is obsessively devoted to the object we desire. If we don’t have it, we will either do anything to get it or endlessly mourn its absence. If we have it, we live in constant fear of losing it.

Expectations play a large part in attachment. What we cling to is less about having possessions, relationships, and identities than about what we expect them to provide for us. And we expect all that we acquire to make us feel loved, appreciated, or important. It is the dysfunctional perception that is at the root of all attachment. “Whether it is an object or a person, we give it meanings and values that do not exist.

Non-attachment is not detachment. Detachment is a dysfunctional defense mechanism and pain management system that results in mental, emotional, or physical isolation. However, detachment doesn’t just block pain from one’s life, it blocks the flow of all energy, and eliminates any chance of healthy interaction with the people and circumstances that are essential to heal dysfunction. Rather, non-attachment is an act of compassion and healing. There is no conscious manipulation of choices and consequences out of fear. When we relinquish control and release our grasp, energy flows, allowing our lives to grow, change, and heal through all that comes and goes. (p. 333)

Interested in Shanghai? (A Book Review)

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[amazon template=image&asin=1481931512]Today I’m sharing a book review. I won the book, Cutted Chicken in Shanghai, through a First Reads drawing on GoodReads. The author is Sharon Winters, and I wrote the review in January of 2014.

 

I enjoy travel memoirs, especially when the travel happens in countries I will probably never visit, like China, so I was very excited to win Cutted Chicken in Shanghai  from a First Reads drawing. I was a little disappointed when I started reading and found the author is nothing like me. Well, ok, we are both “white” American women, both educated, both writers. Unlike me, Sharon Winters is married to a man whose job took them both to China in the mid-90s. Also, it quickly becomes apparent that Winters and her husband have a lot more money than I’ve ever had. I don’t know if Winters would call herself rich, but she sure seems rich to me. (Some examples: Winters loves to shop and most of her adventures recounted in this book center around shopping. She buys over 150 paintings during her two years living in Shanghai. She also buys countless pearls; at one shop in Beijing, she buys 15 pounds of pearls in one day! Most telling is where she and her husband live. The two of them inhabit a four bedroom, four bath apartment for which the rent is $6300 per month! [Winters is quick to point out that “this price does include the furniture rental.”])

At the beginning of the book, I thought I was getting the “adventures” of a rich, pampered lady, and I didn’t think I was going to enjoy that very much. I kept reading, though, and by the middle of the book, I was charmed.

The aspect of Winters I most admire is her desire to communicate in Mandarin, a notoriously difficult language to learn. She starts studying the language before she leaves the US, and continues her studies as a student at Fudan University in Shanghai. Most importantly, she speaks Mandarin every chance she gets. She speaks to her driver in Mandarin and gets him to correct her homework before class every day. (She also helps him with his English, including teaching him the term “SOL” without telling him what it means). Chinese people are constantly surprised (and usually charmed) when Winters speaks to them in their own language. Sure, she makes mistakes. (Once she addressed her language teacher as “rat” instead of “professor,” then humorously writes, “[f]ortunately, I also know how to say [in Mandarin], “Oh, I’m sorry.”) But she doesn’t let her mistakes stop her from trying again (and again and again), and I highly respect her determination and perseverance.

Yet, some of Winters’ experiences in China perplex me. She is terrified to cross streets because of the thick traffic and lack of crosswalks, so she always gets someone (friend or stranger) to walk her across while she keeps her eyes closed. After two years she still has no idea how to cross a city street, and I want to shout at her to grow the fuck up!

She has a driver, provided by her husband’s company, and she seems to go nowhere without him. She explains, “Because a car accident in Shanghai could cost a company millions of dollars, the company [her husband] worked for assigned drivers to all US employees and their spouses.” It is unclear if Winters is even allowed to go anywhere without her driver. The first of only two times she leaves her apartment alone (yes, at two o’clock in the morning, but only to walk one block to buy an ice cream bar at a kiosk), the night guard at her apartment building narcs her out to her driver, who is very mad at her and tells her she should never go out alone at night. She chalks this up to “the protective instinct men have where women are concerned,” but I wonder if the driver was worried about losing his job or having to answer to some governmental force if Winters had been harmed in some way.

Winters does seem to genuinely like her driver; she calls him her friend and writes that they kept in touch after her return to the U.S., but I can’t help but think that if I were living in Shanghai, I would have wanted to ditch my driver at least some of the time in order to have adventures on my own. If Westerners were simply not allowed to wander off alone during that time period, I wish Winters would have just come out and said that. Otherwise, she looks to me like a bit of a ninny too scared to even take a walk alone.

As I said, Winters shops a lot, and she’s not afraid to negotiate with merchants to get what she considers a good price. I’m always skeptical of Westerners who want to haggle to get even lower prices on what seem like bargains to me. Yet Winters shows herself to be a really sweet person and not a cheap American by her interactions with a “nearly blind old woman” who sells string at a flea market. On several occasions, Winters addresses her with the respectful form of hello, then proceeds to buy all her string at ten times the asking price with no bargaining at all! Winters writes, “Do I feel sorry for her? No. I admire her greatly, and when I hold her string in my hand, I see her face and whisper to myself—a great woman held this string before me.”

Some parts of this book seem to be filler. Winters tells stories about her children, her childhood, and her family history. None of these stories have a lot to do with Winters’ life in Shanghai. Many passages read like a holiday newsletter sent out to family and friends to show them how cheerful and chipper Winters is in the face of this whole new world that is China. I’d rather hear more about the gritty side of China (such as the memorial dedicated to the massacre of over three hundred thousand Chinese civilians killed by the Japanese Imperialist Army in 1937 and having to meet the seafood before eating it at many restaurants.)

All in all, I did enjoy reading this book and learning about one woman and her time in China. I guess I can learn some things from a rich lady too scared to cross the street.

You Only Have Control Over You

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[amazon template=image&asin=0985781408]I recently read What It Looks Like, a hulking book (350 pages of text and another 50+ pages of notes) by Marta Maranda. The book is something of a memoir about Maranda’s time in rehab and her healing process (which did not end upon leaving the rehab facility at the end of five weeks). The book is also something of a self-help book because Maranda writes extensively about what helped her and seems confident that what helped her will help me and you and that guy over there.

The most interesting part of the book to me was the “Part III: The Beginning.” In this section, Maranda uses the skills she learned in rehab to critique U.S. foreign policy and and the U.S. two-party political system in ways I haven’t experienced since anarchist discussions at the infoshop. She also explains how politicians (particularly George W. Bush) would actually act if they truly embraced the Christian beliefs they profess.

A lot of what I read in this book really did help me, which I did not see coming when I first started reading. In the beginning of the book,  I recoiled from much of the rhetoric Maranda repeated from her five weeks in rehab. However, many of the lessons she learned about healing and included at the end of the book, I found very helpful. I’ll be sharing some of those helpful bits over the next few months.

The following is an idea I found useful:

You only have control over you. You truly know this if you no longer concentrate on what you expect from anyone or anything else as a result of your actions, but only on your actions, ensuring that each one comes from the hightest and healthiest intentions. (p. 331)